The Feeble Style

 “My reasons for marrying are, first, that I think it a right thing for every clergyman in easy circumstances (like myself) to set the example of matrimony in his parish; secondly, that I am convinced that it will add very greatly to my happiness; and thirdly—which perhaps I ought to have mentioned earlier, that it is the particular advice and recommendation of the very noble lady whom I have the honor of calling patroness. Twice has she condescended to give me her opinion (unasked too) on this subject; and it was but the very Saturday night I left Hunsford—between our pools at quadrille, while Mrs. Jenkinson was arranging Miss de Bourgh’s footstool, that she said, ‘Mr. Collins, you must marry. A clergyman like you must marry. Choose properly, choose a gentlewoman for my sake, and for your own, let her be an active, useful sort of person, not brought up high, but be able to make a small income go a good way. This is my advice. Find such a woman as soon as you can, bring her to Hunsford, and I will visit her.’ Allow me, by the way, to observe, my fair cousin, that I do not reckon the notice and kindness of Lady Catherine de Bourgh as among the least of the advantages in my power to offer. You will find her manners beyond anything I can describe; and your wit and vivacity, I think, must be acceptable to her, especially when tempered with the silence and respect which her rank will inevitably excite. Thus much for my general intention in favour of matrimony; it remains to be told why my views were directed towards Longbourn instead of my own neighbourhood, where I can assure you there are many amiable young women. But the fact is, that being, as I am, to inherit this estate after the death of your honoured father (who, however, may live several years longer), I could not satisfy myself without resolving to choose a wife from among his daughters, that the loss to them might be as little as possible, when the melancholy event takes place—which, however, as I have already said, may not be for several years. This has been my motive, my fair cousin, and I flatter myself it will not sink me in your esteem.”

-Jane Austen, Pride and Prejudice 

“My reasons for marrying, are, first, that I believe that it is my duty as as a clergyman to set the example of holy matrimony for young minds who ought to be taught the proper way to live; second, that I believe it would greatly increase my personal happiness; and third, which perhaps I should have mentioned earlier, is that it is the personal recommendation of the fine Lady Catherine de Bourgh, whom I have the pleasure of calling my patron. Now, I do believe that you should not take the word of Lady Catherine de Bourgh lightly, as she is a very noble lady who possesses many assets of great value. On a cold winter day, she approached me and offered her wisdom: ‘Mr. Collins, you must marry. A clergyman like you must marry. Find a gentlewoman who has not been brought up high, but is able to make a small income go a long way. Find such a woman, marry her, and I will visit her.’ So you see that I must marry, because the fine gentlewoman Lady Catherine Bourgh has proclaimed so.

My reasons for installing a Five Nights at Freddy’s security camera system in my house are, firstly, that I wish to be able to greatly entertain myself by playing a simulation of Five Nights at Freddy’s in my own domain. I believe that this will be most beneficial to my entertainment. Second, I wish to be able to track the movements of my kinsmen, so that I may engage in forbidden activities in my room without the fear of being discovered and punished. And lastly, that it is the recommendation of the noble gentlecat Danny Polkadot Bunius Floofbun Dodge, whom I have the honor of living in close proximity to, to expeditiously incorporate said device into my fine residence. He has on numerous occasions requested of me to do such a thing, which he has said he will not use to decapitate mice more efficiently. Thus I have stated my reasons, and thus I will now carry out my proposal.